What Should Have Been
by acciosilverdoe
Summary: Complete. An alternative ending to season 3's Desire, where Alex goes to visit Addison after their conversation. Addison/Alex.


A/N I've had this written for over a year, but I only just found it again, which is why I'm uploading now. It's another of the many post-Desire Addex fics, but I hope you like it anyway. Review and let me know what you think. -smiles-

Disclaimer: Nothin' is mine, though I'll have Justin Chambers if he's up for grabs. :P

* * *

The day had gone from one of the best, to one of the worst in a simple sentence. As Addison closed her hotel room door behind her, she finally let the tears fall fast down her face. She leaned back against the wall, allowing herself to slide down until she was nothing more than a crumpled heap on the floor. She was a mess, anybody could see that. She'd finally given in to temptation and kissed Alex Karev again, and for someone who wasn't interested he sure didn't put up much of a fight to stop her. The sex had been great, and she knew she could do it again and again because she never wanted to let him go now. But he always had a way of tearing the last tiny piece of hope away. Maybe she should let him off, he was still young and at an age where sex meant exactly, well, nothing. She couldn't expect him to be the guy she needed right now; the guy who could spend the right of his life protecting her, the guy who could be the father of her children and barbeque and basically settle down.

Maybe all it had been for him was a sudden urge to sleep with the next woman who gave him the opportunity. Who gave him the opportunity to make her feel wanted, if only for a few moments because they were too scared of being caught. But it hadn't been a sudden urge for Addison. She had been lusting for months; ever since she told him he was a decent guy, since he gave Mark the vanilla latte 'because Mark was rude to her,' since their kiss at Joe's, and since he told her he'd notice if she went missing. How could he be such a sweet, caring guy one minute and then turn around and break her clean in two. And why the hell was it always her who chose the guys destined to hurt her?

Her being in Seattle had always been based around a man, or men, at times. She only came here for Derek, and had stayed for him, too. And if she was going to list the men she'd stayed for, she'd have to include Richard Webber, as he'd asked her to come in the first place. Then there was Mark. Despite everything they'd been though, she really did believe Mark was a good guy, and he did look out for her as best he could. She always knew he would break the sixty-day pact, but there was something inside her that wanted him to care enough about her to last. And then there was Alex. Subconsciously, she knew part of the reason she stayed was him, for a chance of him realizing his true, eternal love for her, and saying the things she wanted to hear so badly that any thoughts of leaving would be erased from her mind.

Alex was a good guy, and she knew she could really grow to love him and spend the rest of her life with him. He just didn't know how to let his guard down, because love had been replaced by lust. Truthfully, he wasn't a lot different to her. They'd both been hurt in the past, both found it hard now to let anybody in because they were scared of being hurt again. But they needed someone to fight for them, and fight like hell.

Grabbing the edge of the cupboard beside her, Addison heaved herself up, stumbling slightly due to not being able to see through the tears. What was she still doing here? All the men she'd ever loved had let her down, she deserved much better, that much she was sure of. She had to leave, she had to get away from the pain and heartache in Seattle for good.

* * *

Alex had lost count of the times he'd realized what a huge mistake he'd make. Telling Addison Montgomery that she wasn't his girlfriend, however, was the biggest one of all. Okay, technically it was true, but if there was the slightest possibility of another chance with her, why the hell did he have to ruin it?

He tried hard to concentrate on the books laid out in front of him. He had to study, he knew he had to study, but he couldn't get Addison out of his mind. The hurt look in her eyes when he told her 'you're not my girlfriend' was haunting him, screaming how stupid he really was. It was the same look she'd given him when he'd told her he wasn't interested. Both times he'd wanted to kiss her and stop her pain, but he never had. And now he knew he'd really missed the best chance he'd ever had.

"Hey." Alex looked up, hoping Addison had come back and he could tell her the truth.

"Oh, hi," he replied, hoping he didn't sound too disappointed.

"You okay?" Meredith asked, sitting down in the chair that had earlier been occupied by Addison.

Alex shrugged. "Sure."

"Alex," she said, and he looked up at her again. "What's wrong? You're not okay."

"I'm fine," he insisted, but he knew he sounded unconvincing.

"Seriously, you expect me to believe that?" Meredith raised her eyebrows.

"No, it's just..." He hesitated. How could he tell her he was in love with her boyfriend's ex-wife? She wouldn't exactly be ecstatic about it. "Just these exams." He settled with the easy way out.

"Right, okay." Meredith nodded. "And the truth?"

Alex was surprise at how persistent she was being, but he really did need someone to talk to.

"It's just, the woman..." He drifted off.

"That wasn't hard to work out." Meredith laughed at his 'evil' look. "Anyone we know?"

"Umm, well, sort of, I suppose, yeah, well, maybe." Alex knew stuttering wouldn't help, but he couldn't stop.

"Wow, she's got you really bad, huh?!" Meredith smiled. "Who is she?"

"Just someone..."

"From the hospital?" Alex nodded. "Well, it's not me, well at least I hope it isn't. I mean, as much as I like you as a friend, Alex, I-"

"Mer, it's not you," Alex reassured her. "Although I am a little offended."

"Oh, well, sorry. It's not Cristina, is it?"

"No. I know better than that, I actually like having my manhood intact."

"I don't really think you're going to attempt Izzie again." Her eyes widened slightly as she realized she'd got the answer. "And unless you're starting on Bailey, which I seriously doubt, you like Addison!?"

Alex kept quiet for a moment, not wanting to admit to anything. He knew the silence would give him away, but he didn't know what to say.

Meredith spoke instead, when she realized he wasn't going to reply. "Seriously, Alex, that's huge. Since when?"

Alex shrugged. "Seems like ages, to be honest. But I've messed it all up. Again." He dropped his head.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we kissed a couple of months ago at Joe's, and I blew it by saying I wasn't interested. I said I didn't want to be another intern sleeping with an attending, and I really didn't, but I still wanted her. And I tried, I really, really tried to get her out of my head, but I couldn't. I just fell in deeper. And then today, we slept together, and I ruined it again."

"How did you ruin it today?"

"Because I told her she wasn't my girlfriend. She invited me back to her place, and I said no. Mer, what's wrong with me? I have the chance to be really happy and I just throw it all away." He looked up at her. "I've really messed things up, haven't I?"

Meredith thought for a moment. It was rare for Alex to share his feelings, so she knew he must really want to make things better.

"Not necessarily. You just need to convince her that you made a mistake. Telling her is the easy part, it's making her see you really mean it that's not going to be so easy."

"I'm pretty sure it's what she wants to hear. Both times she looked really hurt, it killed me."

Meredith sighed. "You really like her, don't you?" She smiled.

"Yeah, I really do."

"Okay," she said. "Then let's make a plan."

* * *

Closing her phone book, Addison sighed. She didn't even know anyone she could call. She could go back to New York, but building her life there without Derek would be hard. There was L.A., she knew a couple of people out there, but she hadn't spoken to them for a year and she doubted they'd be too happy to hear from her now. She could go somewhere completely new, somewhere where she could start over and nobody knew her secrets, but somehow it all came back to Alex. She'd miss working with him so much, and not just because she liked him, also because he showed a genuine talent in her field and she loved working with him. It was all just too confusing.

She was about to sit back down when there was a knock at the door. Groaning she walked across the room to open it. When she saw who was outside, she swallowed hard before speaking.

"Alex."

* * *

Alex didn't care what he looked like, which was a mess seeing as he'd thrown on a random mix of clothes, because he was standing outside Addison Montgomery's door. Meredith could always be counted on for good ideas. He'd sped over from the hospital, narrowly avoiding hitting an old woman, he'd climbed countless numbers of stairs because the elevator was broken and she insisted on living on the top floor, and now he was here.

Cursing loudly in his head, he realized he hadn't yet spoken.

"Addie, listen, I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now after everything, and you probably hate me, but I need to talk to you." He took in her tear-streaked face, surprised at how worried he felt. "You've been crying," he said as if it wasn't to be expected, and stepped forwards to hug her.

She stepped backwards, however, avoiding his touch. "What, Alex? What do you need to talk about?"

"Can I come in?"

Addison sighed. "Fine."

He stepped inside, found a chair and sat down. Then he pulled out the chair beside for her to sit down in, which she did.

"What do you have to say?" she asked.

Alex took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I messed up, so badly. And I understand how you must hate me but I really need to tell you that I'm sorry, and I'm stupid, and I need you to forgive me."

"You are stupid." Addison smiled slightly.

"Yeah." Alex nodded.

"So what, though? It can't be that easy," Addison bit her lip and shook her head. "I'm leaving Seattle, Alex."

"You're leaving?" he echoed, shocked.

"I'm tired of all the bad memories here. Everywhere I turn there's Derek and Meredith, or Mark, or you. It's too much, Alex. And things between us, they're going to be awkward now."

"No, they're not," Alex insisted. "Please stay."

"Why?"

Alex sighed. "Because I want you to."

"Prove it."

"Okay, I will. Give me a week to make everything up to you and I will. I'll make you see that there's no way you can leave, Addie," Alex said, setting himself a challenge he was determined to keep.

"Seriously, you think you're going to manage that?" she asked.

"Yes, I do. Prepare yourself for the best week of your life, Addison Montgomery." Alex took her hand and squeezed it gently.

"Okay." She smiled. "You better not mess this up."

* * *

So, whatddya think? Liked it? Leave me a review. Didn't like it? Leave me a review and lie. Thanks! (Maybe I'll write more, if I find time someday, and you review, of course).

Happy holidays.

-Beth


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